This cartoon captures some of the real problems experienced by women at menopause. It's no joke! Without any knowledge of what's going on you could become a divorce statistic for all the wrong reasons. I’ve seen it happen all around me and read about it in the news. It’s a very real problem.

Menopause the Movie! I would like to recommend you watch the short 8 minute movie that tells a very moving real life story. Here's the link to the page but it does require you to log in'register. Here's the link to the right page

So now, the woman in your life is menopausal. She's already been the butt of all your bad jokes, may even have joined in the fun. But you have no idea what she is really going through. Unfortunately, neither does she!

At no other time in a woman's life is she faced with such a change to her psychological and physiological pattern than at menopause.. She’s going through a metamorphosis and it’s like the blind leading the blind. That's pretty strong stuff. She’s suffering and pretending she can deal with it.

Menopause is about ageing and can throw up a lot of irrational fears as none of us really wants to acknowledge it. We grin and bear it. But ageing is not what it used to be. It's all changed and we can change, too. It just takes time and effort on both sides.

Hot Flushes.
Knowing what this symptom means and experiencing it first hand are two completely different things. If she gets it bad, she will be so distressed you won't know what's hit you! She may want to sleep elsewhere in the house ~ not because she can't stand you snoring any more (!) but because she is sweating so much during the night she has to keep getting up to have a wash or a shower, perhaps even change the bed linen.

Menopause is a very emotional time in a woman's life, both physically and mentally.

HRT (hormone replacement therapy) either the natural kind or pharmaceutical can resolve many issues. I don't need to give you a lesson in biology, you can see what’s going on everytime you walk through the front door, perhaps more clearly than your partner can see herself.

If you find she is depressed or aggressive, in other words, totally off her trolley, there may be underlying causes that are contributing to this. She may need counselling. She may not wish to discuss this with you or her doctor. It's a difficult one to deal with but she will be grateful for your sympathy, support and understanding.

Communication is the key to everything here. As long as you both talk to each other (not shout and argue and try to apportion blame for whatever it is you are arguing about) then you will both begin a journey of learning more about each other and your own needs.

Now it’s your turn. You have your own issues, as well, don’t you? You will not experience the physical changes, but you may share the emotional ones. The truth is, you are both between a rock and a hard place. Life just changed direction.

Sex She’s going to go off this and not always understand why. The fact that her hormones are walking out the door can be very unsettling – physically and mentally. Be patient, be understanding. Her lack of hormones now, causes the natural lubrication in the vagina to dry up and sex becomes very painful. Full penetration causes a sharp needle-like burning pain. She may bleed. Her response maybe just to say ‘no’ to your advances. She thinks ‘this is the end, now what?’ You may both read in magazines that many couples enjoy a happy and healthy sexual relationship, well into old age – are they lying? Pretending? Or, did they manage to get to the bottom of the problem and sort it out.

There are lubricant gels available to purchase over the counter to help this problem but in my view, they hardly touch the problem. I found the results are from a locally applied estrogen, available from the doctor. It comes in gels, creams and suppositories, etc. If you're after a brand name, 'Vagifem’ is easy to use and is not messy and is available on prescription. This is a very mild form of the hormone estrogen and because it is applied locally to the vagina, it does not enter the rest of the body and takes away any fears of other health risks.

Within a fortnight, your partner will notice good changes 'down there' and your sex life should take on a change for the better – as long as you combine the medication with communication!

Make love-making a more emotional experience. Talk to each other about it. Find out what she really likes. Please don’t get cross if she says "No" when you fancy sex. It’s not the be all and end all of a happy relationship. By communicating, things should improve.

The woman in your life may show periods of distress ~ "I can’t do this any more", "I don’t know if I like you any more", "It’s all your fault!", "why do I have to do everything?" "I don't know how you can love me when I'm such a miserable old bag".

Get her to look at the Symptoms pages on this website. It will settle her fears that she’s NOT alone in this. She isn’t alone – around seven million women in the UK are going through this.

Divorce

Divorce statistics are high at menopause. Women are usually the instigators. A GP on a BBCRadio 4 Woman’s Hour programme phoned in to say: "If I had known more about my wife’s menopause symptoms, we would still be married". Until you begin to understand the list of stressful symptoms that women go through, you will probably end up as a divorce statistic. If you love her enough, you will want to support her through this time. It’s a long and arduous journey, keep talking!

Helpful Hints

• Don't run away! This is a temporary condition.
• It can take many years to complete the process but time goes quickly and you won't even notice!
• When you are together ~ instead of arguing, discuss each others likes and dislikes. She's likely to be aggressive and nasty ~ change the way you respond to this.
• Be more diplomatic.
• Offer to help with the shopping, cooking, cleaning
• Go out to eat more often ~ she’s probably gone off food (the preparation of it, that is).
• This is a partnership, share more.

The end result of all this care and attention should see you both walking off into the sunset a happier, better informed and therefore more loving couple.

A good organisation to contact if you need advice on relationship problems, either individually or as a couple, is Relate

Good Luck!